You never asked, not once, for me to sacrifice one thing, but you did not need to. I ALWAYS chose you over everyone, and everything else, and if that meant severing ties, I did it. And I was never fake with you, even against my better judgment whilst I am intoxicated, I choose for your well being above my own. I don’t know why. I am/was never fake with you, I made a promise, oh so long ago not to lie to you about how I felt, and I have NEVER strayed from that. I admit to you now, that I did lie to you about preparing myself for what you did over there. you promised me forever, and like glass in a crash, that shattered before my eyes. I feel I have put all the effort forward to try and even rekindle some sort of friendship, I was honest, true, and noble in everything I have done/said to you in the past months, but all I get is silence or some fake answer. how is this NOT hate I am getting from you?
last time I went to you as a “Friend” for advice/help/to talk, I was told by you, “what exactly do you want me to do about it?” so this is not exactly to you, but since you are asking, and I am drunk… what makes someone like you, whom I sacrificed a lot for cared so much for, hate me so much?
Tonight made me realise how alone in the world I realy am. I come home to an empty house after working a 16 hour shift and decide a bottle of wine is the best dinner/meal avaliable to me for entiretey of the day. I pop the cork and watch 3 episodes of avatar to end my night. Just so happens they are about how the first avatar came to be, and I nerdgassam all over it, just to realise I’m all alone, in rural craptown with not a single friend with whome I can talk to. Even with todays technology, and how easy it is to keep in touch, it won’t help if you have no one in your contacts who would answer the phone. I am alone and not one of the fake pseudo-friends I have in my contacts would want to answer the phone or return a text to even talk about nonsence like anime, let alone help me through any real problems. Guess the good news is I figured out why I turn to a bottle every night to fight the non existent emotions I hide, just to fake a smile every day so well in fact, my own mother gets fooled into thinking I’m fine. Sheds some real light on why I haven’t been able to feel even the slightest bit of a reflection of happieness this whole god forsaken fucked up shit pile of a year… sadest part for me i guess is, falling asleep at the end of the night only to feel even more sad and alone with the fact that I wake up.
Zodiac Aquarius on a bad day.